Mee You There

Death is full of irony.

It makes us understand the real beauty of life. That is, it puts life in a neat and clear perspective; seize every moment and give all the love you have. At the same time, this beautiful moment of clarity comes at the prize of a loss, something or someone that we may never get back.

Perhaps even that notion, the yearning to get someone back and the pain of losing that person is also the root of our predicament. We can't seem to get over our mental obstacle and make peace with ourselves to grasp this cruel and natural circle of life.

I pour whatever feelings I have onto this little space the size of a 15-inch screen to empty out my heart and soul. Because perhaps I hope the person I'm thinking of might be on the other side reading my very word. Not this time though.

Grandma, I'm not a religious person but I do hope and believe you're in a better place. Not because of any other reason but simply that you deserve it. Lately I've been getting flashbacks of those summers I spent with you; those early morning hikes to the closeby hill and those quite summer noons when the world seemed to stop and nap.

Dad said you would understand why I can't be with you. But somehow I can't shake the feeling of regret. Four years ago I promised you to graduate in front of your eyes and you gleefully agreed and looked forward to the day when I would take the diploma in front of your eyes. That day came and went and I assured you again that I would visit you soon. Apparently not soon enough.

So here I am, hoping heaven has internet access because I don't know any other way to do this. Thank you for loving me so much the way you did. I've always felt proud and safe with you. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you passed but I carry you in my thoughts everyday. I'm sorry for not being there and I hope you know how much I think of you.

This Christmas will be a bit colder without you, but I still like to thank you for making me realize life is not determined by possession. The love you give is the only thing that makes you rich. I will remember you always as I strive to make my own prints in the world.

To my family. Mom and dad, thank you not only for everything you have given me; but also being there to give me the strength to carry on and be strong when I feel alone with no one in sight. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize that I need to tell you how I feel. Alan, I see you grow into a better person than I am; you just have remember to keep trying.

To that special someone. I'm sorry it never dawned on me to tell you this; but I'm sorry you weren't always treated as special as you meant to me. Not that I didn't try, it's just that when you get so comfortable with someone it becomes, well, natural. But I forgot even those closest to you need to be shown how much you love them. So perhaps this is my lesson. As much as it hurts me to think of you and...Well, let's just say I've realized after trying to move on I still feel very much the same way about you. I just hope you haven't completely forgotten about what we had.

This Christmas is sure to get a bit lonely and empty. But I will keep all of you with me as I try to make something of myself. Life is full of drama and I believe if you cant' see that, then you might take a lot of things for granted. I've been guilty of that and every night I pay my price.

Seasons greetings and all my love, wherever I am I'll always be thinking of all of you.