Numb

A lot of questioning has been going on in my head of late,
and it has been rotting me from the inside out.
Mostly I wonder, does she miss me? Does she think about me when she's alone at night? Does she see me when she looks at him?
But more than anything else, I ask, why?
There are so many ways to ask this question and no way to answer it.
The only one would be, why not?
The leo inside of me tears myself apart for losing something that I thought was mine.
But you have two faces, how I forget. Now I am on the outside looking in, at a face I don't recognize; a face not meant for my eyes.
Now, you're a wall. The more thoughts I throw at you, the more it bounces back.
The more I try to hate you for this, the more hate I get back for myself.
Why hate, when you can only love?
So I throw in the towel.
I have given up trying to forget everything about her,
because the more I try, the more I remember,
replaying every little detail over and over again.
So let it come, let it come wave after wave,
remind me, remind me, remind me...
Let me remember everything until the memories hurt me so deeply
that I'm just indifferent, numb...
Perhaps then my insides won't churn anymore when you and him creep into my head.
Let the waves come, I will stand my ground until I don't taste the salt in the water,
until I don't feel the cold running through my veins, let it come until I am numb.
Until then, I will sleep with the ghosts every night.